


Pushing him away

by AbschaumNo1



Category: Marvel (Movies), Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012), Thor (2011)
Genre: M/M, Post-Avengers, spontaneous ideas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-01-01
Packaged: 2017-11-10 14:35:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/467389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbschaumNo1/pseuds/AbschaumNo1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All the time he had tried to push Thor away, but it didn't quite work out like he expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pushing him away

**Author's Note:**

> This happens when I suddenly think about how to interpret scenes from The Avengers, I guess...
> 
> I really hope there aren't too many mistakes in this, but I finished this at almost 5 a.m. after a whole night of writing. It's unbeta'd and I will look over it when I return from my holidays in France. Which should be around Friday.
> 
> My last night with my bed and I spend it on my computer writing fanfiction...
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy this.

When Loki sat in the quinjet, guarded by Iron Man and Captain America he was smirking inwardly. He was right in his way to where he wanted to be, all went according to plan.   
  
When the thunder started Loki felt a chill running down his spine. This hadn’t been in his plan. This had been everything he hadn’t wanted to happen.   
  
“What’s the matter? Scared of a little lightning?”   
  
“I’m not overly fond of what follows.” They didn’t have to know that his words were a lie. Somewhere deep inside he hated himself for it, but he would never ever show that to anyone.   
  
Truth is, he is very fond of what follows and on every other occasion he would have been happy to see what the thunderstorm heralds. But he knew that there is no way it ends good this time, not after everything he had done. After his lies and deceptions and the attempt to kill his brother,  the very man had every right to be angry at him.   
  
However, his confrontation with Thor didn’t go anything like he had expected. He still wanted him to come back with him, there had still been that familiar look in his eyes. That look that said everything and yet not enough for him, not enough for Loki, the unwanted, the son stolen from a race the people he believed to be his family held no love for. He knew Thor could see his emotions, knew the other one wanted nothing more than to...no, he couldn’t let this train of thought continue. He couldn’t, had to shove his brother away.   
  
He was saved by Iron Man, fighting with Thor, left on his own to cope with his emotions, keeping his mask of amusement. He wasn’t amused, couldn’t be, there was nothing amusing for him in this scene. He would do what they expected from him, act as they thought he would, follow his plan, but he wouldn't, couldn't put his heart into it, not when he was up against Thor.   
  
He carried out his plan, failed and was brought back to Asgard in chains. He received punishment for his crimes, that was not harsh enough in the eyes of most, but almost too much in the eyes of very few. He was okay with it, he knew his crimes, didn’t deny them, just had to remind himself that he couldn’t tell them the reason. And while the Allfather definitely knew the obvious reason, Loki hoped he didn’t even suspect the  other reason. Because Loki’s reasons for doing the things he had done were more complex than just because he found out about his true heritage. Of course he had been hurt, of course the realisation that he wasn’t who he thought he was had stung and made him mad. but it also made so many  things clear. Why he always felt like he didn’t quite fit in, why Odin had always favoured Thor over him, even if some of it might have been unintentionally. It explained so many things about his messed up childhood, about his not so happy life in the royal palace of Asgard. The suspicion that he was different had been there for a long time. The day he found out the truth had just been the day he realised that he had been right all along, which hadn’t eased the pain in any way. In the end the revelation had just strengthened his determination. He had to push away Thor, there was no other solution, he simply had to.   
  
And here he was, imprisoned in Asgard, punished for what he had done and without any way to keep away from Thor anymore. To his utter luck and happiness, or rather lack thereof, Thor seemed to be the most stubborn person in the nine realms. Even after everything Loki had done to him, after telling him their, no his father was dead, after killing him Thor did still seek his company. Like a dog that faithfully returned to his master even when he was treated badly, Thor would always come to Loki. The comparison was flattering, Loki had to admit as much, but that didn’t mean he had to like it.   
  
The thing was that Loki’s feelings for his brother were complicated to say the least. They were definitely not how someone should feel for his brother. He felt something deeper than brotherly love, more like the love men seemed to mean if they talked about loving a woman.   
  
And that was why he pushed Thor away. There was just no way he could act on his feelings, no way he could ever get what he wanted. It was unnatural, disgusting and even if Thor felt anything like that for him it was still impossible. Not when he was what he was, not Aesir, a frost giant, a monster.  The monster. He had grown up with stories about frost giants, bad stories, stories that made him fear and later despise those creatures. It really was ironic that he turned out to be one of them. And how could Thor ever love him if even Loki was disgusted by himself?   
  
Thor visited Loki whenever he found the time, which was more often than Loki would have liked and seemingly less often than Thor would have liked. During his visits he told his brother everything about his encounters with Midgardian daily life and how he fought alongside the Avengers to protect their world.   
  
When he spoke about the wonders of Midgardian technology his eyes would glisten and once in a while he said things like “Oh, you should see it with your own eyes!”   
  
Once Loki had asked about Jane, curious if his brother was still seeing her and if he was still happy with her, but it hadn’t been good.Thor’s usual smile had been replaced by a serious expression.   
“The Lady Jane and I are on friendly terms,” he had simply said and no curious glances and questions had been able to get more information out of him.   
  
Loki didn’t realise just how bad it had been to ask until he was alone again. Without Thor to distract him from his thoughts he felt the oddest and most confusing mix of hope and desperation. Hope because there was no Jane anymore, Thor was alone, free to be captured by Loki, and desperation because it made it somewhat harder to shove Thor away from him. As long as Jane had been there Thor had wanted to spend as much time with her as possible, but now he had much more time to visit Loki, who loathed himself for getting all these weird ideas about having chances with Thor. He shouldn’t think about things that weren’t going to happen.   
  
And yet he was. He caught himself missing Thor, thinking of him and dreaming of him at night. He didn’t want to do any of those, but this stupid, ridiculous bit of hope he had got was doing things to his mind he could neither suppress, nor stop.   
  
The only other person to regularly visit him was Frigga. The queen was always her usual loving self and still acted like he was her son. They never talked about Thor or Odin. Loki didn’t start talking about them and Frigga seemed to think it wasn’t a good idea to speak of them.   
  
However, when he hadn’t seen Thor for some time and there was a bit too much longing for his taste he couldn’t help but ask her about his whereabouts upon her next visit. She smiled knowingly and told him of his brother’s newest adventures on Midgard, keeping her tale as neutral as possible as if she didn’t want him to feel any lesser, because he couldn’t prove his worth in combat. He couldn’t quite decide whether he should feel loved or be offended by the notion. On one hand she cared enough for him to try not to make him feel lesser, on the other he somehow felt she treated him like a child. Nevertheless, he finally had news from Thor and that was all he had wanted.   
  
When Thor finally visited again Loki was happier than he had ever bin since his whole life went down the drain.   
  
“It’s been a long time since your last visit.”   
  
He tried to keep his tone even, to act like he didn’t care, but failed miserably.   
  
“I wish I would have been able to to come sooner,” Thor said smiling.   
  
They were silent for a moment, both not quite sure what to say. Finally, Thor swallowed, looking slightly insecure.   
  
“There’s something you want to say,” Loki remarked, an eyebrow raised.   
  
“Yes, well...” Thor began, an uncomfortable look on his face.   
  
“Come on, brother. It’s not like you to be like this.”   
  
“I...I don’t know how to say it...” Thor sighed and squirmed in his seat. “Would...would you mind if I just...did something?”   
  
“I assume it does not involve harming me, does it?”   
  
“Of course not! You know I would never harm you in any way, Loki!”   
  
“Well,” Loki shrugged, “then I don’t see a reason why I should mind.”   
  
Thor swallowed again and leaned forward to take Loki’s face into his hands. Loki watched fascinated and slightly panicking as Thor wet his lips and leaned in even closer and kissed him.   
  
It took Loki a second to comprehend what was happening. He knew he couldn’t pull away. Thor had always been stronger than him and even though his grip was soft Loki was conscious of the power that was slumbering beneath the warm skin that touched his cheeks. For some reason he felt tears well up in his eyes and all he could do when Thor pulled away was to whisper “Why?”   
  
Thor’s hand rested on Loki’s cheek, an almost forgotten gesture of comfort. He looked concerned, but before he could speak Loki found he could speak again.   
  
“Thor, no. We can’t! We’re brothers! It’s...it’s unacceptable.”   
  
Those were the very same words he had told himself for so long, the very same words that he knew to be true and that yet seemed so unimportant at the prospect of having Thor’s affection all to himself.   
  
“But we both know that to be incorrect, don’t we?”   
  
Thor raised an eyebrow, his fingers softly caressing Loki’s cheek. Loki pulled away.   
  
“Yes,  we know that. But what about everyone else? And not just that, you are the heir to the throne, you have responsibilities.”   
  
“I don’t care about any of that. Not if I can be with you.”   
  
Thor looked serious and Loki couldn’t help but sigh.   
  
“You’re really too stubborn for your own good, Thor.” He sighed again. “I guess there’s nothing I can say to stop you.”   
“Nothing.”   
  
“Just what I feared...” Loki rubbed his forehead wearily. “If I had known this earlier I wouldn’t have invested so much time into trying to convince you that I am bad.”   
  
When he looked up Thor just beamed at him, looking like he didn’t even hear what Loki had said. Loki sighed, this was what he had wished for, but he already had a feeling in his gut that this would be complicated.


End file.
